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Meditations

by Sarob

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1.
[Act II] Shorty outta Howard U I’m like ay, how are you? Name is Ali, what you tryna get into? I was finna leave til I saw I saw you coming thru Shit, I know you got the good Power U, wassup And you know she got the good leather Louie clutch Custom stitch; Crème colored run star chucks A work of art, baby do not touch Could hear my heart on a thump From the jump when she walked on up Third floor, but we’ll treat it like the penthouse, ladyyy respect ya agency, this ain’t in-house ladyyy Shit I’d hate to see Just to keep it G If we never test the frequency I’d be sick out baby Checkitout checkitout So I’ll be in and out, baby [Act I] Back when I ain’t know the Loop from my shoe laces My friends put me on a app, see some new faces So I could e-rase this Portrait of a woman from my mind Who I thought about all the time See in the O, I was too well-known and too anxious To be on a website flirting with strangers I’d rather be the nice guy with clean reputation Some niggas roll the dice sharing they all information But not me I was busy stressing, sweating over who I ought be What does it take to be Shawn, Lauryn or Aubrey? Something gotta give, it’s ailing me softly Outta thoughts, outta time, the door is revolving And I’m evolving What good is it to rhyme and be giving up all my prime? I took my pride put it all behind And put my heart out front Open up for once ~uh~ Met somebody, we was tight for months Short hair, brown skinned, like ta light the dutch… I wrote her letters, blowing cheddar; might wife her up Then I found out that her ex still getting to touch Shit was far too much ~ Checkitout checkitout So I’ll be in and out, baby [Act III] So let me explain: Used to have a heart, now an ice-box re-main If we had a spark, then I’ll douse out the flame I done changed, look at the range Both player and a coach in control of the game See, that's power If I got it then I feel protected Didn’t realize the insecurities projected… On innocent women ‘cause one did me sorta reckless Reacting with my ego, I overcorrected Call up my grandma for perspective and more mindfulness …what can I learn from this? Gotta admit, I was surprised at the turn of events: She heard the story and said boy every-thing is a risk Every-thing has potential to turn into shit You gon be holding hurt cause you don’t like how somethin went? You gon be half-stepping cause you afraid to commit? What you give is what you get, so what you leaving with? That shit was crazy, right? I laid at night tripping, spinning Brain swimming Reflecting on my interactions with women ~ It represents a deeper fear that’s been hidden So Ima treat June 2nd like a second beginning And that’s power
2.
[V1] Blowing Ls indiscreet, swing a ep in the Jeep I was sick of the same scene, took my faith on a leap Some days I maintain, some days when I weep I upraise the price, appraise the preme … that’s the tweet Don’t nobody want no smoke, they know that’s the chief Think it’s all bark, but I’m on my grind like I’m gnashing teeth Keep ya head down, see the cash increase Mr. Porter slacks creased Risen from the ash heap Whole lotta izm My decisions outlast me Goals and a vision Through the prism of a glass piece Pro-abolition, free Palestine and max b ~ See if the shoe fits, I’m in Carolina blue kicks Narrow-minded niggas adding two cents, But I'm the news clips cliquing with Blueprint Mami axin who’s this In my ear it’s only God and Q-tip Only begotten nuisance Forbidden truth is the kid is ruthless Talent roof-less, Torturing myself cause I’m never satisfied with my improvements Columbus, OH, I provided a movement Shorty playing games, and I feel like I’m past that Money clip on me, last year I was cash-strapped Heisman on them hoes in a hazmat Toxic, fucking with my brain, causing flashbacks [Hook] (x2) Gotta do something that means something Something that means something Something that means something [V2] How could I floss if I’m rotten at the root? Had to get my mind right, had to get myself through Set up bound-aries and women turned femmes en feu But good riddance…I’ll do me and you do you Taking in fresh breath, taking on less stress There was a time I thought success was mea-sured by excess— How do I get the look, how do I impress? Until my whole life was all about the clout I possessed At the studio, I feel unease: My verse played from a song I made with Kashis Keyz …Niggas starting gassin, shorties screamed But nobody heard a word or a harmony That type of shit is hard for me Since I’ve made my life bout forming a discography I’ve become an agent of hypocrisy: Through the art I preach about peace, empowerment and philosophy Yet without attention what any good is my artistry? It’s speaking to an empty room My friends on MTV cause MP3s got plenty views Pavilion mezzanine I hesitate and panic looms— Can I reach masses talking Tupac and David Hume? I wish I had an answer, too Logging off IG as soon as my check passes thru Nonprofit outreach and other work I had to do Tryna liberate and decolonize But it’s hard to rise when I rely on Spotify and dotted lines [Hook]
3.
All messed up with nowhere to go Mango vest shoulder the load Van Gogh brush wit the flow This shit is for the south side, 33rd and below Until I feel the rush, I’m happy taking it slow Take my time to reload music sho’ can erode Purpose and soul, until you feelin outta control I gotta take a step back, refocus my goal What’ll be left of me when I’m not out hur anymore? Live from the chi Right hand drying my eyes Left hand scrolling thru pics of me wearing disguise I prioritized my want to be recognized I signed autographs like I was really that guy Obsession over flash, the cash and yearning eyes Undressing women off of a stage name on fliers This is what I ordered, but it ain’t quite my size ~ Who am I to be who I’m not? Running so long, eating the clock …Never reaching the top At this rate, I sold myself for barren crop Cause I ain’t gon be Hov or Nas, Drake or Dot So what else do I got? I’m talking to my pops, asking how to be a man How to overcome, how to execute a plan He said do what I can, but some shit is outta my hands That’s a hard truth I needed to understand Looking at his life, looking at mine Seeing parallels bending time that intertwine He was twenty six, feeling fear he was falling behind Forty years later, here I am, failing the climb Going out of my mind Been searching so long, when the fuck will I find? And what will I find?

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released November 7, 2022

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Sarob Chicago, Illinois

Something that means something.

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